Bankruptcy. The Final Frontier.

So, I've been absolutely dreading this part. That's why I've kept putting it off, and off, and off....it's like the last big huge monkey to remove from my back. And this one is a loud, stinky, poo-flinging beast.

Bankruptcy.

Even the word sounds bad. Reeks of failure. Brings to mind that famous photograph of the Migrant Mother by Dorothea Lange. It's like the word that your mom would whisper in a room full of people, with the sort of hushed reverence you'd expect to be reserved for discussing a grave illness or an illicit act. "That's Jenny. She's had to file for bankruptcy."

I normally like words that end with a y. This one, not so much.

Today is one of my days off from my little school job, so I will begin the Big B-word journey. I'm going to put in a few calls here and there and see if I can find a bankruptcy attorney who may be willing to take payments, or who has a special rate for broke-ass single moms such as myself. At this stage in the game, embarrassment has left the building. I've learned to separate myself from my credit score. Sort of. It's still a little humiliating to retell my story, to go over what I've had to do in order to keep things running as smoothly as possible for my kids and for myself, but at least I know this story by heart.

I've given myself some time to relax, to unpack and to be a mom. But this last bump in the road has been weighing heavily on my mind. I'm starting to slip back into my worrywart mode, the one where life goes on as normal but underneath the hustle and bustle of everyday life, there's the constant hum of fretting and anxiety and distress. I wear my "Happy Jenny" face but inside I'm making myself sick with all the "What ifs??". It keeps me awake at night, crawls into my dreams. Keeps me from living life the way it should be lived.

It's time to do this.

There is a silver lining here though (and no, I'm not going to try and sell the silver lining on Craigslist. But don't think I didn't consider it)....this truly is the last hurdle I have to jump before really getting my fresh start. Once this last band-aid is pulled off, the real healing can begin.

I know this isn't some magic wand that is to be waved over the shambles of what used to be my credit. I know that this is going to follow me around for the next decade or so, popping in and out of the shadows like a stalker. It's going to make things difficult, but you know what? Not impossible. It's never too late to start over, and even though I wish with every fiber of my being that instead of looking over bankruptcy FAQ's online I was out on a golf course with a tanned golf pro standing behind me helping my swing.... this is what I need to do.

One of my friends tried to discourage me from discussing this "on that blog" (she's not a big computer person and I really don't think she'd be able to find Google, never mind a blog). She worries that it's going to have a negative impact on me, on my life. I love her for being worried about that stuff, but, like I told her, there's not much else that can be done to hurt me or my credit rating or my financial reputation. Seriously. Unless I committed some horrific crime during a blackout in college or my early twenties that comes back to haunt me, and I'm pretty sure the worst thing I did back in those days was make out with random yahoos on the dance floor of Lyon's Pub (ohh and there was that bartender there...ahem) and maybe, just maybe eat some of my roommate's food.

I think one of the things that concerns this friend is the stigma surrounding bankruptcy. Some people think it's a cop-out, another case of someone living now, and never paying later. Which it is in a lot of cases. Is it the truth as far as my case is concerned? I don't think so. I didn't go on a crazy spending spree after I got divorced. I listened to the kids babble on about Big Daddy's massive new plasma t.v. and the theater surround sound system, about Big Daddy's wine fridge and designer dogs and the diamonds that Secretary received. "Stuff" was never that important to me. The biggest spree I went on was at Ikea's Scratch 'n' Dent section..$5.00 floor lamps? Woooot! I think any accountant or trustee or whoever they get to go over your financials will see that I did do a great job of managing my money. Things only got hairy when all of sudden there was no money to manage.

I was on the right track. And then I got derailed. That's all.

I did what I had to do.

Today, I will take a nice big deep breath, tell myself it's all ok, and do what I have to do one more time.